Derek redux

I'm looking for some constructive criticism here.  I'm revising this to go in a class portfolio, and would like to know if the changes I've made work to enhance the piece.  So here's both versions.

( Original Draft )

( Revised Draft (aka, I bet you're all really sick of hearing this story by now.) )

Thank you for your time.  The quarter will be over soon and I'll stop bugging all of you.